Deka Chambers marks International Men’s Day 2024

For this year’s International Men’s Day, three barristers – Simon Trigger, Ben Rodgers, and Thomas Yarrow – share with Conor Kennedy their experiences of balancing work at the self-employed bar with life as a parent.

CK: What are the main advantages (and disadvantages) of the flexibility of the self-employed bar when it comes to being a parent?

ST: The main advantage is the theoretical ability to take time off and structure your work around children and family time. The disadvantage is a complete lack of structure or certainty about where or when you might be available as you are beholden to courts and listing. In addition, the idea of flexibility is really an illusion, because in fact you tend to work harder and longer hours than you would if under a regular contractual employment. 

BR: Being self-employed lets you set your own working hours, which has allowed me to be more present for my children in the mornings before school than I might have been if I were employed.  The downside is being less present in the evenings.

TY: Being a barrister is both flexible and inflexible. When not in Court, you have freedom to choose when in the day paperwork is done, I often find I pause working at say 15:30 in the afternoon and resume at 20:00 once the children are in bed, which you can’t do so easily in the employed world. You can also (within the confines of others’ availability) schedule conferences in the same way. But, if you’re in court, you have very little flexibility indeed, and you always have to budget for unexpected contingencies (going long). And often you have to plan childcare in advance, which you then end up not needing if a case is vacated late notice.

CK: Do you have any strategies for balancing work and family commitments?

ST: A very understanding partner helps. Also, you must specifically book time out in the diary as otherwise work will creep in and prevent you having family time.

BR: Be married to or partnered with someone awesome.  I know that’s not possible for everyone but it’s how I’m still here.

TY: I’m struggling presently with integrating family diary and work diary on IT systems. If someone could come up with a clever app which could do it efficiently, there’s money in it. In general time management (already a crucial skill as a barrister) becomes ultra-heightened, because the clock that you’re running against is tightened. A working day becomes 9:00 to 15:30 and you’ve still got to get the same amount done, so the only way to do that (for me) is make comprehensive lists which include both family and work stuff in them; prioritise them; and stop playing Tetris in between papers.

CK: Are there any systems that chambers can implement to help?

ST: I guess more thought into where cases are listed when simply agreeing with the solicitor that counsel will do a trial. They do not factor in the real difference to family life between a trial in Newcastle and one in, say, Croydon.

BR: Not systems, just culture.  “System” implies a level of control which self-employed people maybe don’t have.  All any chambers can do is be sympathetic: provide cake, tea and the occasional prosecco (for those who take prosecco).  Don’t make people feel bad for wanting to be with their children.  The clerks at Deka have been really great to me over the years because they just get this instinctively.

TY: As above, IT systems that integrate family calendars would be very helpful. Generally, I think our policies on leave are pretty good.

CK: Do you have any advice as to what prospective parents can do to prepare for parenthood?

ST: Sleep and buckle-up. It’s hard, emotional, stressful and puts a new dynamic into your own and your partner’s world. But it’s also magical and gives life more purpose and meaning. The job is very stressful.

BR: Don’t take advice!  Seriously though, know who you and your partner are and what you value.  It’s a minefield and you’re navigating it with a tiny utterly dependent person on board.  With luck, maybe you won’t do what we did and spend the first 3 months out of your mind with tiredness flipflopping between attachment theory (Sue Gerhardt’s “Why Love Matters”) and controlled crying (Gina Ford’s approach).

TY: Go to every social event you possibly can before it all starts. Go to NCT classes. Join local WhatsApp groups of parents.

CK: What aspect of parenthood did you find most surprising?

ST: How quickly it becomes your new world and how quickly you adapt. 

BR: Being submerged, drowned and pulverised by a vast, raging primordial ocean of chemical love that I didn’t know existed.

TY: If it’s not a boring answer – all of it. There is nothing that is standard or expected about almost any day. It’s a cliché, but the whole thing is a rollercoaster.

Last year Paul Stagg KC wrote a very personal and insightful article about the 2023 theme of zero male suicide. You can read that article here.

For more information on International Men’s Day visit https://internationalmensday.com/